For those of you who don’t have children– specifically, the form of children known as “girls”– Dave Barry’s latest column offers a frighteningly accurate look inside the world of the 3 year-old, which he’s been thrown into because his wife is covering the Tour de France:

Here we drink juice in little boxes decorated with pictures of licensed characters. We drink juice a lot! It is 287 percent sugar. So we have lots of energy! We wake up at 5:45 a.m. no matter what time Daddy got to sleep. Then we watch kids’ TV shows starring licensed characters. They learn good lessons: Share! Be nice! Work together! Drink juice!

Daddy wishes there were an early morning kids’ TV show called: Let’s Go Back To Bed. The licensed characters would yawn a lot and say: ”I’m tired! Let’s all lie down and be very quiet until at least 7:45 a.m.!” Wouldn’t that be great? Daddy would send money to that show.