A hilarious transcript of 9-12 year olds playing first-generation video games.

Anyone who grew up playing the first generation of video games will want to read this article from Electronic Gaming Magazine: it’s the transcript from an event in which EGM “rounded up nine children of the PlayStation generationages 9 to 12and forced them to play a variety of titles from the late ’70s to the mid-’80s.” Leaving aside questions of whether this violates the Geneva Convention, the results are hilarious. A couple highlights:

Pong

Brian: I saw a documentary on this. The game was so popular in arcades that it got jammed up with quarters.
John: In this thing? [Points to the Pong game console]
Tim: I would never pay to play something like this.
John: I’d sooner jump up and down on one foot. By the way, is this supposed to be tennis or Ping-Pong?
Becky: Ping-Pong.
Gordon: It doesn’t even go over the net. It goes through it. I don’t even think that thing in the middle is a net.
Tim: My line is so beating the heck out of your stupid line. Fear my pink line. You have no chance. I am the undisputed lord of virtual tennis. [Misses ball] Whoops.
John: Tim, how could you miss that? It was going like 1 m.p.h.
Sheldon: Hey, why does it say Sears on the controller?
EGM: Sears sold it for Atari.
Andrew: Isn’t Sears, like, a clothing company?
Becky: Sears makes everything. Actually, I’ve never been in there.

Handheld Football

Brian: What’s this supposed to be?
EGM: Football. It’s one of the first great portable games.
Brian: I thought it was Run Away From the Dots.
John: I don’t see how this has anything remotely to do with football.
EGM: Which team are you playing?
Kirk: The red lines.
Tim: They could’ve just as easily called this game anythingBaseball, Bowling, Escape From the Monsters.

Tetris

Tim: Which button do I press to make the blocks explode?
EGM: Sorry, they don’t explode.
Becky: This is boring.

Space Invaders

EGM: It was so popular that there was a shortage of the coins used to play it.
John: But you can get this game on a cell phone. Why would you want to pay for it in an arcade?
Andrew: I’ve seen a game like this in the arcade, but it’s tons faster.
Sheldon: and it’s in color.
Andrew: and your spaceship looks more like a spaceship.
Nico: and not like a little box.
Gordon: It looks like food.
Andrew: Where’s my rapid fire?
Nico: The aliens look like spiders…
Becky: and squids and crabs.
John: Maybe this is what seafood will do in a thousand years….
Kirk: I’m sure everyone who made this game is dead by now.

[a big thanks to Victoria!]